You Will Marry a Stranger Again and Again

[00:17.49]‘Karibuni sana’ (Welcome to) Rooted&Real.
[00:19.69]So we’ve been
saying some truths about marriage.
[00:24.81]This is the second one.
[00:26.57]You will marry a stranger again and again.
[00:32.45]So you think you married one person?
[00:37.37]Oh, no, you didn’t.
[00:39.53]You married many people
all in the same body.
[00:44.41]The person you married at
25 is not the person at 35.
[00:47.61]The person at 35 is not the one at 50.
[00:51.05]All I’m saying is that people change.
[00:54.21]And if you don’t expect it,
you will think your marriage is failing.
[00:58.97]But it’s actually just evolving.
[01:03.61]Let me explain ‘kiasi’ (a bit).
[01:05.61]When you first dated, they were fun.
[01:08.13]No stress, no bills,
no kids waking up at 3:00 AM, no job loss,
[01:11.57]no dead parent, no sickness,
no interference of in-laws.
[01:16.41]Then life happened, and life changed them.
[01:22.13]Maybe they became quieter
after the business failed.
[01:27.21]And not because they love you less,
but because they are ashamed that
[01:31.29]they can’t provide like they wanted.
[01:35.93]Maybe she became more anxious after the
baby, not because she’s nagging,
[01:41.89]but because she’s terrified
of being a bad mother.
[01:45.01]So you look at them and say,
“You have changed.
[01:48.53]You’re not who I married.” You’re right.
You’re actually right.
[01:52.01]They have changed, and so have you.
[01:55.61]You’re not the same giggly girl or
ambitious boy they married either.
[02:00.37]So marriage is not about finding
one person and loving them forever.
[02:05.13]It’s about finding one person again
and again as they keep changing,
[02:10.41]and you keep changing, and choosing to
fall in love with whichever new version.
[02:16.57]It’s like seasons.
[02:18.01]You cannot marry someone in
the rainy season or during the
[02:24.61]‘sawasawa’ (okay) season, and then you get
angry when it’s raining, when it’s winter.
[02:31.61]So that winter will come.
[02:33.45]The person will be colder,
slower, more distant.
[02:38.85]Your job is not to complain that
summer is gone.
[02:43.97]Your job is to learn how to
build a fire together in winter.
[02:49.29]So which skill are we doing today?
[02:52.45]Stop comparing them to version one.
[02:55.89]Start asking, who are you now?
[02:59.45]What is carrying you in this season?
[03:02.05]How do you want to be loved
now and not 5 years ago.
[03:06.85]Some of you need to introduce
yourselves to each other.
[03:09.89]Go on a date and ask,
“What are you dreaming about lately?
[03:14.81]What keeps you up at night?
[03:16.33]What do you need from
that you’re not getting?”
[03:19.89]Because the couples make it 30, 40 years.
[03:24.17]They’re not lucky.
[03:26.29]They’re just very good at meeting
each other again and again.
[03:33.17]Here it is: You’re not
stuck with a stranger.
[03:36.37]You’re married to a human being
who is still becoming.
[03:41.33]So learn them again.
[03:45.29]What are we doing tomorrow?
[03:47.89]The third one, marriage won’t fix you.
[03:52.49]So stay with me and love you guys.