WEBVTT

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'Karibuni sana' (Welcome to) Rooted&Real.

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So we've been
saying some truths about marriage.

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This is the second one.

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You will marry a stranger again and again.

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So you think you married one person?

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Oh, no, you didn't.

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You married many people
all in the same body.

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The person you married at
25 is not the person at 35.

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The person at 35 is not the one at 50.

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All I'm saying is that people change.

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And if you don't expect it,
you will think your marriage is failing.

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But it's actually just evolving.

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Let me explain 'kiasi' (a bit).

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When you first dated, they were fun.

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No stress, no bills,
no kids waking up at 3:00 AM, no job loss,

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no dead parent, no sickness,
no interference of in-laws.

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Then life happened, and life changed them.

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Maybe they became quieter
after the business failed.

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And not because they love you less,
but because they are ashamed that

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they can't provide like they wanted.

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Maybe she became more anxious after the
baby, not because she's nagging,

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but because she's terrified
of being a bad mother.

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So you look at them and say,
"You have changed.

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You're not who I married." You're right.
You're actually right.

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They have changed, and so have you.

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You're not the same giggly girl or
ambitious boy they married either.

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So marriage is not about finding
one person and loving them forever.

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It's about finding one person again
and again as they keep changing,

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and you keep changing, and choosing to
fall in love with whichever new version.

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It's like seasons.

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You cannot marry someone in
the rainy season or during the

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'sawasawa' (okay) season, and then you get
angry when it's raining, when it's winter.

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So that winter will come.

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The person will be colder,
slower, more distant.

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Your job is not to complain that
summer is gone.

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Your job is to learn how to
build a fire together in winter.

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So which skill are we doing today?

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Stop comparing them to version one.

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Start asking, who are you now?

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What is carrying you in this season?

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How do you want to be loved
now and not 5 years ago.

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Some of you need to introduce
yourselves to each other.

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Go on a date and ask,
"What are you dreaming about lately?

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What keeps you up at night?

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What do you need from
that you're not getting?"

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Because the couples make it 30, 40 years.

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They're not lucky.

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They're just very good at meeting
each other again and again.

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Here it is: You're not
stuck with a stranger.

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You're married to a human being
who is still becoming.

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So learn them again.

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What are we doing tomorrow?

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The third one, marriage won't fix you.

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So stay with me and love you guys.