You Are Allowed to Have Boundaries

[00:18.89]This is Lynda, and welcome to the third
episode of ‘To the
[00:25.05]Person Loving Someone Who is Broken’.
[00:30.53]Now, ‘You Are Allowed to Have Boundaries’.
[00:35.37]What is love without boundaries?
It’s not love.
[00:37.89]It’s self-destruction.
[00:39.61]Trust me, I’ve been there.
[00:41.73]You think boundaries mean
you don’t love them enough.
[00:46.65]So you say yes when you mean no.
[00:50.05]You lend money again,
even though they never paid back.
[00:54.57]You accept the late night calls,
the insults when they are drunk,
[00:58.21]the disappearing acts.
Come on.
[01:01.41]‘Anakwambia imeisha’ (They tell
you that that behaviour is over).
[01:02.77]Because you think, “If I set a boundary,
they will leave.
[01:08.61]If I set a boundary, they will leave,
and if they leave, they will fall apart,
[01:12.21]and it will be my fault.”
So you have no boundaries.
[01:16.81]And now you’re anxious, you are exhausted,
you’re broke, and you’re so resentful.
[01:26.13]And weirdly,
your person, they still don’t get better.
[01:32.73]So listen, listen, listen, listen.
[01:35.21]Boundaries are not walls to keep them out.
[01:37.97]Boundaries are fences to keep you
safe so you can keep loving them.
[01:45.29]A boundary sounds like,
“I love you, but I will not
[01:51.29]talk to you when you’re drunk.
[01:53.09]Call me tomorrow when you’re sober.”
‘Ama’ (or), “I love you,
[01:58.29]but I will not give you money anymore.”
[02:01.09]“I will give you food.
[02:03.05]I will help you find a job, but not cash.”
Or,
[02:08.29]“I love you, but I need one hour a day
just for me without feeling guilty.”
[02:14.25]So that is not selfish.
[02:17.01]That is very, very, very healthy.
[02:20.41]A drowning person cannot
save another drowning person.
[02:24.37]You need to be on the solid ground first.
[02:27.41]Okay?
[02:28.45]So write your boundary today.
[02:30.41]One small one, ‘tu’ (just), and keep it.
[02:33.85]Even when they guilt-trip you,
even when you feel bad.
[02:37.77]Because the most loving thing you can do
for a broken person is to show
[02:42.57]them what self-respect looks like.
[02:45.73]Boundaries will not push a
person who truly loves you away.
[02:49.81]They will teach them
how to love you better.